Gary (Business acquittance) who is the father to three unmarried twenties/teenage kids: "Well, I'm going to be a grandpa."
Me: "Yah, Jim (boss) told me you were going through a tough time with your son."
Gary: "Yah, it's my daughter."
Me: (long pause) "Well, congratulations!"
(I may have posted this one before, my apologies if I have.)
Tammie (my secretary): "I'd much rather work for somebody who is conniving like you rather than a B*@#H like her.!"
Me: "I told her to do my work, and she said she doesn't want to. What do you want me to do?"
Jeff (boss): "Go back to her and tell her tough shit."
Me while at a Ankeny Chamber Event honoring past chamber presidents: "Who do you think is going to be the president for 2013?"
Gary: "Mitt Romney!"
Me: "No, president of the Chamber!"
Gary: "Oh. Who cares?!"
Client who previously told me that his wife and him were going to stay friends after the divorce: "Hi, Dawn. Forget everything I told you at that meeting we had last week. [Wife] is moving out this weekend and has a new boyfriend. We're not getting along and aren't going to stay friends."
Me: "I know."